I don't know how long I can hold on, I'm just waiting for the last "straw" that breaks the camel's back
I am immersed in depression every day, and it is more appropriate to describe it as life rather than death. There is no drug inhibition, it is all about perseverance.
I think I am very strong, otherwise I would not be alive today. But at the same time, I felt that I was vulnerable, sensitive enough to be heartbroken by the smallest things.
Maybe I've seen it too far, death is the end, the only way to end all this pain, and I don't want to suffer any more.
Joy and joy have become the most extravagant emotions I have been unable to feel for a long time.
What I want most is to love and be loved, but I don't seem worthy of such a noble thing.
The Gray world...
The world in my eyes has long since become bleak and full of haze.
The darkness of the world is magnified infinitely, and all I can see is darkness.
There is so much darkness in this world that it is hopeless. Social injustice and oppression by capitalists.
The darkness of this society has always existed, but it was magnified in my eyes.
The situation of the Trans group in China is still not optimistic, and I cannot see my future. Whenever I think about what my future self will be like, I feel powerless and hopeless.
A dream that can never be reached has really become a dream.
In this world where there is no hope in sight, living is just suffering.
The dream is over.
I have also become a person without youth, without a past, and also without hope for the future.
Life Somehow Like Living Dead
In order to behave normally in life, I have to do some "pretending"
At least so far, it is still successful, and the performance is no different from normal people.
The students laughed, and I laughed along. What the students want to talk to me, I will talk about it. In fact, it doesn't need to be too deliberate, but it's not difficult to smile.
"Come and see, hahaha..."
It's really funny. My laugh point is very, very low, and I've been laughing out loud as I used to. But sorry, I really can't laugh right now.
With a habitual smirk, he didn't see anything unusual about me, and was still talking excitedly. Jealousy arises in my heart: Why can you be happy so easily?
Of course, this time at least "camouflage" can be carried out. At the most serious time, it is impossible to even "pretend", because at that time it is completely impossible to control one's own emotional state.
In that situation, he was very sluggish, unable to say a word, and his eyes were blurred. (This paragraph is the state described by my classmates)
Fortunately, most of the most serious states only happened when I was alone, so that people around me would not notice too much.
Until...one day in Xidan, next to my sister, I couldn't control my emotions...I cried for two hours...
University Entrance Exam
As a third-year high school student, of course, I am very, very aware of the meaning of learning and the meaning of the college entrance examination, and I will study very, very hard.
But I was not allowed to do anything in this suppressed emotion.
This can only make me more anxious and depressed, my grades cannot improve or even decline, and the subjects I am good at have also regressed very much.
I know the reason, but in my ability, I can't solve this problem.